Growing and breaking my heart

You guys.

Today we watched our oldest child have his first “show off” in gymnastics. He has never truly performed anything in front of an audience. He was a total goof. I was proud of him and shaking my head all at the same time.

This boy started gymnastics when he was around two years old. He has moved up until this point and is in the kindergarten level class. I watch him while he is out there, I study his concentration, I laugh at his silliness. Today I saw another side of him that I have yet to know. I don’t know if he was nervous or if he was scared that all of these people he didn’t know were watching him. He fooled around. He didn’t take anything seriously. The instructors told us afterward he is a “ladies man” and all the girls giggle and say, “Gannon is so funny.” So. He will be five years old in a couple months. I’m always learning about him.

Another thing happened today. Paul gave Egan and Waverly baths this morning. He told me he noticed a lot of little hairs in the tub from Egan. I’ve been noticing his hair changing. Hearing Paul say it though made me cry. I have a hard time letting go. This is one of my favorite stages and knowing this is the last time I will have these experiences is bittersweet in a way I hadn’t expected. He is doing so many knew things. He has begun communicating in many different ways. He is almost walking independently. By the time the snow melts and the ground thaws, he will have no problems getting around without being strapped to my back. I’m not ready to let go of babyhood.

And I can’t forget my girl. Waverly has been changing so much too. She is using more complex words. She has been coloring so well. Her artistic side is beginning to make an appearance. It is fun to watch. Her laugh is changing a bit, her blonde hair is growing out and brown is replacing it, her baby chunk is nonexistent. She loves reading new books, especially interactive ones, but is happy to have any story read to her. Other things are changing too. She is learning to match colors and is joyful when she finds two that are the same. She loves watching creepy YouTube videos all about colors. Waverly has become sweeter than I would have ever guessed her to be. She hugs, she kisses, she says “I love you” fifty times a day. I have been really enjoying her company.

My heart is full of love while also breaking for these changes. I love seeing my kids grow, I love seeing them happy. They aren’t babies anymore, though I’m sure I will often think of them as that, and I am having a hard time letting go inside my heart. I try to keep it inside so that they can continue to do the things they need to flourish. It is difficult balance.

I am so proud of these little people. I am so happy they are mine. And I am even happier I get to be the one with them to witness all of the good they are becoming.

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