Sometimes I sit and observe the kids. I watch them play along side each other, together, and alone. I watch them laugh and fight, get frustrated, figure things out, and then move on to something new. I watch and watch and watch. Sometimes they feel my gaze and will look up at me, giving me the gift of a smile.
Having three kids can be challenging in ways I’d never imagined but mostly it provides so much joy and laughter. It is exhausting and it is frustrating and it can be downright annoying. But the laughter and the unconditional love? That makes it incredible.
When Gannon was the same age as Egan is now, we got pregnant for Waverly. And when Waverly was the same as as Egan is now, we got pregnant for Egan. And now that Egan is this age my body tells me it’s time. I feel it in my bones. I feel it in my heart and my head and my ovaries. MORE BABIES. ALL THE BABIES. HAVE THE BABIES NOW. But we aren’t having all the babies. We are done with having the babies. And damnit. My heart aches so hard. It longs to hold another smooshy baby. To kiss toes, to have those teeny fingers wrap around mine, to smell that sweet new baby smell again. To hold a sleeping newborn, curled up on my chest.
The end of the child bearing road makes me feel sort of… depressed. I’ve been reading about it and apparently I am not alone in this. I’m not sure this feeling will go away. Maybe it will but I feel that it will be something I’ll need to learn to live with.
When I was younger I always thought I’d have four kids. Part of that will always stay with me. Paul and I are ready to have certain areas become easier even though they are far off. Things like not needing to change diapers, sleeping, and being able to leave the house without a days worth of diapers and clothing and snacks. We are ready to begin this new chapter together and to see where the adventure takes us. For now though, I’ll allow myself to feel sad, to feel hurt, and to simply FEEL the emotions. To push through a desire I have no control over is difficult.
And as I write all this, Waverly has woken up Egan three times, cried about being hungry (she just had a snack), Egan is cutting more teeth and has been cranky for days on end, and Gannon is my little ball of anxiety. So really, I think I’m good.