Feeling Thankful

Turn around.

You should be home with your family.

Keep going.

Just go to the store and go home.

You don’t need alone time, you’re fine.

Go.

Don’t go. 

You’re being selfish.

You need a break even if you think you don’t.

You need to go home and be with the people you love.

It’s too late to spend an hour by yourself.

You need to recharge. You need to recharge.

You actually just need to get the food and go home.

Reading your book is not as important as being with the kids.

You can go another time.

Just go. You need to go.
This is the track that was playing over and over in my head as I was driving to have some time alone. This happens often. I’ll tell myself to go but as soon as I’m out of the house I begin to feel guilty. I almost turned into the grocery store lot instead of continuing on. Somehow I did continue, though, and I got to my destination. I sat in the truck for a few minutes, exhausted from the mental tug of war. I still thought about turning around. I felt flooded with emotion.

Self care is so important. I can not stress this enough. I did not turn around because I know my husband wanted me to be there. He wanted me to have an hour to myself. He knows I can only be the best version of me when I take small moments to enjoy the company of myself.

He doesn’t do anything for himself though. So I became increasingly agitated as I wasn’t sitting there, beating myself up about the doubts in my brain. He puts me first so often that the few times he can’t because he has obligations outside of our home to provide for our life I get sharp. Cranky. Irritable.

I’m awful.

So I walked into the establishment and got a hot chocolate and a brownie. I sat on a comfortable couch, enjoyed my book while savoring my treat. I took a moment to thank him, in my head, for being such an understanding and loving person. Without him I don’t know where I’d be.

I didn’t feel guilty once I came home. I am still exhausted from the thoughts my anxious mind wouldn’t stop throwing at me. I’m tired from the long stretch of anxiety I’ve been facing. I forgot how exhausting this is.

I’m trying to change my negative thoughts into more positive thoughts. It is challenging and I feel like I’m getting nowhere. But I’m still trying. I’m trying to get better so I can be better for my family. Paul has been suffering with back pain for over a month because there aren’t any periods of rest for him. He gets up with Egan at night and works hard during the day. There’s no break from the physical demands. That makes me feel guilty too.

I need to be better. I need to be energetic and happy and providing my family with belly laughter and homecooked meals. But for now, while I’m working things out, I’m so thankful for him. For the man who chose to spend his life with me, though he knew I was broken.

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