Confusing days of parenthood

Paul brought Gannon and Waverly to a birthday party this morning. It was during Egan’s usual nap so I stayed home and thought I could use it to get something done. On Friday, Paul had stayed home with him and had an hour and a half to himself to do work in silence.

The thing is, Egan is 14 months old and I have never successfully put him down for a nap without him waking in minutes. I hold him every day for the one and a half to three hours he sleeps. Every. Day. He used to fall asleep in the carrier and I could still do some things but I don’t wear him much these days so that hasn’t been an option.

We also don’t use a crib. We haven’t since Gannon was a baby. We bedshare. It works well for us especially at night. It certainly is not for everyone. For us though, with kids who only slept comfortably by our sides, it was the only option we had for getting sleep without letting them cry it out.

So today when Egan fell asleep nursing, as is the routine, I carried him up to bed. I put him down and grabbed the laptop. I sat down and then I heard him stir. He woke up, sat up, and began his climb off of the mattress before he saw me. He wouldn’t go back to sleep. He was awake. I was sort of irritated. Why does he sleep for everyone else?

I’m a little, okay, a lot emotional today. It happens. I wanted to cry at first because this always happens. The house was quiet. I wanted to read some things, work on some things, and finish working on a different blog. But that’s not possible with a five minute nap.

Paul got home later than I had expected and he had planned to go to work. I got angry with him. I don’t think I was actually angry with him, just at the ease in which his days often happen versus the constant battle I tend to face. It has a lot to do with our personalities I have realized. But he was going to work, to leave me home with two overtired kids? No.

He ended up staying home. They have all been mostly fine today. They always are when I know they would be the complete opposite had he gone. Or maybe it’s just that there’s only me combating the things so it seems worse. Either way, they were fine. We decided to leave the house.

So here I sit, in the truck, while Paul is in Home Depot. Because Egan fell asleep on the way here. He doesn’t fall asleep in his car seat much anymore. But when we leave the house today? He sleeps? Really? 

Oh parenting.

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