On the mend

I cried while holding my two youngest as they wailed. I am not sure why they were so upset but it was brutal. Waverly’s started because she asked for crackers which I handed her in a bowl. She chose to kick them out of my hand because she “didn’t want crackers” I guess. I shut off the garbage she was watching on YouTube suspecting that the problem may have been staring at the TV. That’s when it began. She woke up Egan, who had fallen asleep twenty minutes prior.

Three hours.

It went on, back and forth, for three hours. Egan cried each time I picked up Waverly to comfort her. She cried harder each time I needed to set her down to comfort him. I tried to hold both of them but Egan kept hitting Waverly.

So I walked into the playroom crying along with them and sat on the floor. After a few minutes they started playing instead of crying. And the day turned around.

Except it didn’t really.

Waverly has been so sensitive lately. I suspect she isn’t getting enough sleep but she is also not eating well. I am not sure exactly what is going on but it’s getting exhausting. When Paul came home after work it hadn’t improved.

She seems confused and has been mixing up words. Today she told me she “couldn’t see the snow box because it was covered in sand.” I’m not sure if this is exhaustion or what. Like asking for crackers and being insanely angry because I gave her crackers.

I was making dinner and the TV got turned back on to Daniel Tiger. My memory is already foggy about why it got shut off again but she was livid. She cried her little eyes out that she wanted to watch “Danny Tiger” and so we put it back on. But we couldn’t find the correct episode and she lost it again. I was laughing because she kept saying “Danny Tiger” but I was crying because I am so tired of trying to help her through these moments.

She didn’t want the dinner I made her and the boys, she wanted the dinner I made for myself and Paul. She barely ate anything of either dinner and was still crying over everything.

But at one point she said, “Danny Tiger wants hot sauce for his nudies.”

I lost it. I started laughing and I could not stop. It was that kind of laugh that you can’t shut off no matter what you do. I couldn’t breathe. Egan looked frightened. I couldn’t stop. I went into the kitchen and Gannon came in to see what was going on and he was laughing but also very confused. “Are you okay, Mom? Do you need some water? Should we call the doctor?”

Once I pulled it together I turned on the Trolls soundtrack while I washed dishes. Waverly came in and started dancing and singing which is sort of a rare occurance. She asked me to dance with her so I danced while I washed and she danced and sang, twirling in circles with a big smile on her face and lots of giggles between lyrics.

I held her after I was done. True Colors came on and I was singing it to her while swaying. I couldn’t help but cry. She had her arms wrapped around my neck, her head on my shoulder, and there we were. After a long day of struggling to find peace, there we were. She looked at me and while rubbing my arms said, “Mom, if you lose your colors like Poppy I’m just going to give you a big hug like this and then your colors will come back.” She wrapped those little arms around my neck again.

I realized a few things over the past two days. As much as I feel like a failure, as so many mothers often do, when my three year old daughter says words to me, telling me if I were sad she would do something to make me happy again, I know I’m doing something right. And yesterday while I ate lunch with Gannon, not saying much because I was having an emotional day, he just sat and stared at me with this look that seemed to be wondering what he could do to help. Then he said to me, “Mom, I like to be quiet too sometimes” and I know. I’m fixing things that I have broken. Bonds that have been bruised.

We are on the road back to where we need to be.

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