I am not my anxiety.

I’m trying. I’m trying so hard. 

I got up with Paul and the boys this morning. The morning was okay. I could feel it rising. It started the night before and I didn’t sleep well because it was there. It didn’t take long for it to take over.

I can’t breathe. My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My body hurts.

Gannon’s birthday falls on Easter. We were going to visit a wolf sanctuary at some point to celebrate. We like to provide them with a fun exerpience. But I can’t decide what the right thing to do is. He seems like he wants a birthday party but I think he really just wants presents. He wants cake but I’m not sure if I should order a cake or just bake a cake. I don’t know if I should invite all of his cousins to come over. I don’t know if I should have cupcakes instead. I don’t know if I can do anything on his actual birthday since it is Easter, after all, and most people have Easter things to do.

It isn’t a big deal. I keep telling myself it isn’t a big deal but it is because I can’t make a decision and I can’t stop going around in circles and WHEN WILL IT END?

For Easter, we are setting up a corner in our house for the kids. I got them a magnetic dry erase board, markers, and magnets. We are going to get a rug and move a shelf unit out of the playroom and make a “wall” so it will be a learning space for them. We have to put a back on the shelves, paint it, and put a vinyl world map on it. We have to hang the dry erase board, the baskets to hold the markers and magnets, a project I had made using their silhouettes, and organize books and crafts supplies and blocks on the shelves. To do all of this we first have to remove the pellet stove from the corner.

Oh and an egg hunt. And birthday celebrations, whatever those may be.

I’m freaking out. It’s all going to work out but I can’t help freaking out.

This morning Paul left for work and looked at me like he felt awful he had to leave. Yesterday didn’t work out as planned and I wasn’t able to get the break I needed so I could wrap up some of the project. Yesterday was a pretty rough day too and I really need a breather.

After he left the kids wanted to build a fort with the couch cushions. They started fighting pretty aggressively over every step in the process. Instead of yelling, which is what I really wanted to do, I told them we would try building a fort later. I put the cushions back in place and Gannon lost it. He was throwing things and kicking things. Then he threw a basket full of hats and mittens at me while screaming, “I hate you!” over and over. Waverly had already been upset because the YouTube videos she wanted wouldn’t load.

I’m tired. It’s 10 am. I feel like I’ve been run through a grater. I want to sleep for days.

I’m battling myself to not battle them. I’m battling myself to let things go I can’t change at this very moment. I’m battling to breathe, to think positive thoughts, to keep my voice calm. I’m battling to keep my emotions in check. I’m battling to not worry about the laundry or the dishes. I’m battling to not beat myself up for these battles are so small, they shouldn’t be battles at all. 

After all there are bigger things going on in this world. Much worse things than worrying about what to do for a kid’s birthday, about doing things just so for Easter. Much worse things, more violent things, heartbreaking and gut wrenching things.

And then the guilt begins because I shouldn’t be worrying about these things. My children are safe. They are fed, they are happy. They are clothed. They are living. And breathing.

Anxiety is ugly. Guilt is ugly. I am remembering that these aren’t things I can help. I’ll just keep working on changing my thoughts. I’ll remind myself that I’m bigger than this and I will push through. And I will get through this day. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow will probably not be better, these things usually last a few days, but it’s a chance to start new.

Breathe. Connect. Remember what’s important. I am not my anxiety.

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