I Want to be Alone

Sometimes I can’t breathe.

It is a major effort to inhale oxygen into my lungs. These days, not surprisingly, I usually have a pounding headache. My entire being is on edge.

Today is one of those days.

I have a strong desire to be alone. To be sitting in my house, with no other people present. Nobody requesting another snack. Nobody crying for a different kind of jelly bean. Nobody crying with the exception of me, of course, because if I was alone that’s probably what I would be doing.

I don’t want to be touched. This is impossible when you have three kids aged five and under.

I don’t want to make food. When it doesn’t get eaten it just triggers my frustration more.

I don’t want to talk or to answer questions. Again, impossible when you have three kids aged five and under.

I want to sit down and read a book. I want to write on actual paper. I want to do a project. I want to hear nothing but the sounds of birds chirping, wind blowing, and cars driving by.

Some days, hearing “Mommy?” is enough to make my skin crawl, my scalp itch, my head feel too heavy to be supported.

Today is one of those days.

I am trying desperately to be present, to live in the moment. Unfortunately sometimes the moments I’m living in make me feel trapped and then the present feels like a prison. I want to be outside on this beautiful day but that doesn’t even seem to be a possibility.

They are all having a rough day, it is not their fault. Their needs are heavy today. I don’t want to have a sharpness in my voice. I keep trying to soften it. I’m failing. But I have needs today too and I only have so much. So much happens to be not much at all.

Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.

Sometimes I really just want to be Tristan.

2 thoughts on “I Want to be Alone

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s