I Can. 

In case you don’t know me that well, or really at all, I’d like to start this by saying I think. A lot. I never seem able to stop the wheels from turning. Mostly things that don’t matter. Things that have happened that embarrassed me years ago and should no longer be part of my memory bank. I think about situations I should have treated differently, choices I’ve made, and of course between all of that I’m thinking about all of the ways I’m screwing up my marriage and children.

Anxiety is FUN!

I’ve been pretty run down for a few months. Today was a particularly rough day, as it always is when Paul has to work and can’t tell me when he will be home because he has to get to a certain point before he can leave. I’m TIRED.

I am getting so tired of being told to take care of myself. I KNOW. Truly, I do. I’m not taking time for myself because I don’t want to, BELIEVE ME. I need time every day to have quiet. Anyway, I’ve been obsessively thinking about the things I used to do. 

The things I long to do. 

The things I need to do. 

The things that were so easy.

THE THINGS I TOOK FOR GRANTED. This list is not all inclusive:

  1. Reading a novel in a single day. I miss this one so much. And reading novels period. I’ve been mostly reading parenting books and books about how kids learn information for 5 years now.
  2. Showering every day. Showering when I want may be more accurate. I don’t care to shower every day. Oh, to have the option.
  3. Getting dressed in actual clothes every day. I miss clothes. I currently own one pair of jeans that are covered in mushed banana within minutes of me getting them out of the dryer every time they are washed. I sort of miss having a job for this reason. Only this though.
  4. Drinking coffee before starting any of the things that have to happen during the day. Coffee in silence is a beautiful thing.
  5. Watching a movie. In a theater. One that isn’t rated G.
  6. Watching a movie and being able to pop popcorn without someone waking up. Please let me eat the popcorn, kids, PLEASE.
  7. Watching a movie but NOT watching a movie. 😉 Too. Tired. Sorry husband.
  8. Painting my nails with more than a 60 second window of time. So many coats. Bottom, polish times two, top. 
  9. Having long hair. That I actually had the time to blow dry but only if I felt like it. Actually, I’m not sure if I miss my hair. I think I may be misremembering this one.
  10. Grocery shopping whenever and running to the store real quick when I realize I forgot 50% of the things on the list. Shopping for a family of 5 is quite challenging. Here is $300, see you again in FIVE DAYS. 
  11. Running any errands. Took half the time, at least. And I had no where else to be!
  12. Making dinner. I finally found a love for cooking just in time to be told that everything is gross. 
  13. Writing whenever the hell I wanted. I love journaling. Or maybe I used to. Because it’s been a really long time. I’m not sure.
  14. Scrap booking. I really took this one for granted. So much time making each page just so. Endless time finding the perfect embellishments. The perfect picture. Sigh……
  15. Crying. Sometimes crying is what I need to do. It’s not as effective with an audience. 
  16. Having time to do a new project. I like learning new things. I really want to work on lettering. I should have loved lettering back when I had the time to work on it and create all of the things I dream of creating.
  17. Going shopping for craft supplies for fun. Endless hours, people.
  18. Bookstores. I haven’t been in a bookstore since the time my daughter shit all over me when she was a baby. Just kidding, that was like 3 years ago though and I may have been in one twice since then.
  19. Sleeping. No need to elaborate.
  20. And not sleeping. This could be due to the drinking or the other activities or sometimes both. DAMN do I wish I did more not sleeping when it didn’t have anything to do with kids waking in the middle of the night.
  21. Then staying in bed and doing more not sleeping all day. Days in bed. These days I would prefer to spend a day in bed alone though, to be honest.
  22. How have I gotten to #23 without this one: RESTAURANT EATING. I loved trying new foods, new restaurants. I still do. It’s a lot more complicated to enjoy a meal somewhere, especially one that doesn’t serve chicken fingers.
  23. Having my own schedule. This is probably a summation of all of the above. I took for granted how free I truly was.

I spend my days living around four other people. I can’t leave to do the things I want any more. I can’t go to the bathroom alone. Or take a shower alone. I can’t pick up a book and read it, watch TV in the middle of the day, spend an hour looking at stickers. I can’t listen to music while pouring my soul into a notebook. I can’t stay up late drinking beer around a fire. I can’t drink beer at all. I can’t vacuum or sweep or do laundry without a following. I can’t wash dishes without 100 interruptions. 

But I can do so many other things. I can kiss boo-boos and make them feel better. I can give hugs to get through a hard moment. I can read a book slowly, talk about the pages and listen to questions. I can sit on the couch and watch a movie that will provide inspiration to the growing minds sitting next to me. I can make dinner and encourage a healthy diet but not force the issue. I can wear yoga pants everyday and shirts with stains and holes. I can dig in the dirt and pick up worms. I can bask in the sunshine and listen to laughter. I can be the tickle monster. I can feed my family of five nutritious food. I can buy them books and clothes. I can bring them to get ice cream in the summer. I can bring them on adventures. I can plant a garden. I can live slowly for them, for me, for us.

I can’t do so much that my heart longs to do. But I can change my mindset to think of the things I can do NOW. I will have time, as they get older, to do some of the things I want to do. Right now is their time. And I can be their mom. Their support. Guidance. Their teacher. I can be calm in a moment of fury (though I am still working very hard on this one). I can be their companion.

Tomorrow is a new day. I can think differently. I can do better. I can love stronger. I can hug tighter. I can worry less. I can let go of the past. I can embrace the present.

I can. 

2 thoughts on “I Can. 

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