A heavy heart and condolences to the wrong person.

Your obituary was published today and I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed by the outpouring of condolences.

Because really, I don’t deserve them.

I’m heartbroken for reasons that people who don’t truly know me can’t understand.

They don’t know that I didn’t know you. That I saw you for the first time in 29 years, as father and daughter, on the day you died.

They don’t know that I call a different man “Dad” and that he is the one who raised me.

I’m still heartbroken over the loss of you because now all my hope is gone along with you. The hope that I carried for my whole life. The hope that someday I would get to know you, have a relationship with you, so I could know the other half of me.

But I didn’t get that chance. I feel empty inside, right now, because I didn’t get to know you. I’m so sad because all of these other people who are my family did know you. And they are the ones who deserve the condolences, not me. They really lost someone. I did too, but I lost you a long time ago.

My heart is heavy.

I’ll have to write more when I can get my words right. For now, thank you to everyone who has reached out. And a really huge thank you to those of you who do know the whole story and have been there every step of the way. I love you all.

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