Egan woke from his nap today, seeming like he really could have slept a little longer. He wanted to go upstairs and I wanted him to be a little less cranky so upstairs we went. Gannon and Waverly followed, joining us on our adventure to the less visited area of the house.
I sleep upstairs with Gannon and Waverly while Paul and Egan sleep downstairs. Upstairs isn’t anything knew to them but to Egan it is a world to explore. We go up there sometimes but it has been a while since our last visit.
It seems so weird to have half a house that we rarely use. It is a nice reminder that we have way more than we could possibly need, even though to some, our house is too small. It is perfect for us, for our family to be together and to have many moments of connection throughout the day and night. We will be able to grow into it, as the kids need their own spaces.
Since they were happily occupied, I decided to sort through some of the mass pile of clothing in garbage bags taking up space in one of the unfinished rooms. I wanted to donate them to a local center that helps people who needs these things. I had something like 6 or 8 bags and a couple of small boxes with clothes, by the time I was done.
During my sorting, Egan proceeded to dump all the cat food into a container he had found. He dumped from container to dish back to container, spilling most of the contents on the floor. Waverly wanted to try on some of the clothing she thought would still fit her. If it did fit and she wanted to keep it, it went into a pile. Most of it was too small so luckily the pile didn’t consist of very much.
One of the things Waverly tried on was her snow suit from this past winter. It will probably be too small for her by the time winter rolls around but she was happy to see it fit now. She wore it for an hour. It is over 80 degrees in the house, over 70% humidity. I talked to her about how it isn’t good to wear clothing like that in this heat but she wanted to keep it on, so keep it on she did.
Egan started bringing cat food to all other areas of the upstairs, including the bed. He sorted through some of my craft supplies, ran back and forth from room to room, happy for a change of scene. At one point I checked on him and he had discovered my scissors and Xacto knife after he had climbed onto the desk.
It was time to go downstairs and Waverly, still wearing the snow suit, was having a really hard time. Her emotions were all over the place and she started crying so hysterically that I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. I told her that I thought she was overheated and we should remove the snow gear. She couldn’t get out of it fast enough. It set off a stream of events, including her screaming about every article of clothing I presented to her because she wanted something “different” but she also didn’t want to pick her own clothes.
These are the moments I find myself getting tense and I know that it’s coming. The moments I dread. I walked away, took some deep breaths, got a snack.
But it is still here. The tension radiating throughout my body, the negativity surrounding my heart. I was so mad with her explosive emotions that I couldn’t help her through it. She wasn’t being irrational, she was overheated, she was hungry, and she was probably a little tired.
I didn’t have the patience to get through to her without losing my shit. But it wasn’t only her. She was screaming and Gannon was talking to me and Egan was pulling my hand and the dog was panting and the TV was on and the cars were driving by and the NOISE. I yelled at Gannon, I yelled at Egan, I yelled at the dog.
I didn’t make it through the moment without unleashing some fury. I tried, boy did I try. But I failed.
Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is another chance to beat this. Tomorrow is another opportunity to do the right thing. To learn. To grow.