For two weeks, Paul has been working his ass off to maintain a schedule so a homeowner would be given the satisfaction of a deadline being met on a new home being built. It’s a big project and all of the men working on this job have been working hard to achieve the same result.
I can appreciate this work from many views. The work my husband does provides our family with the ability to keep me home with our kids, put food on the table, pay the bills, have two vehicles, pay for life insurance, and have a little extra to do something fun once in a while. We have so many things others go without.
This morning I had a bit of a breakdown. When Paul is busting his ass to keep other people happy so that he can do a great job, sometimes that leaves me in a situation that doesn’t allow me to be my best self.
He went back to work last night after working a full day. He worked until almost 3:00 am. He got up this morning and went back to the job. He worked late multiple nights last week and won’t have any days off this week. For the most part, I’ve been doing okay. But Egan is teething, Waverly has her own sort of something going on, and Gannon is feeling the tension and responding to it pretty negatively, just like I am.
This morning was my breaking point. Not long after Paul left last night, Egan woke up and didn’t fall asleep for two hours. Once he was sleeping, Gannon woke up and was restless for a little while. I woke up tired and miserable. Waverly wanted her freshly poured cereal to be soft, not crunchy, and when I couldn’t make that happen for her, she hit her bowl and spilled milk and cereal all over the table. I lost it. I yelled at Waverly, I threw a hissy fit, and I told Paul, not so nicely, to stop talking to me.
A couple hours later, Egan fell asleep nursing. I put him down and he woke up three minutes later. I got him back to sleep and put him down again, only to have him wake ten minutes later. He didn’t fall asleep again. He was cranky. I was crankier. I threw a plastic bowl in the sink and it broke.
I realized this wasn’t helping anyone be calmer. I got everyone snacks and set to washing the dishes. I immediately started sobbing. Next thing I know, Gannon is next to me, his arms wrapped around me. I turned off the water, sat on the floor, and I cried as he rubbed my back. He didn’t say anything to me. He didn’t ask me what was wrong. He knew I needed a hug. Waverly joined us and soon I was being hugged by both of them. Waverly told me she loved me. Egan stood close by, staring at us, observing, learning.
We are all human. I feel better after having a cry, much like many children do when they are overwhelmed with emotion and also tired. I feel amazed at the empathy shown to me by my children. I feel lucky to be their mom.
We all have bad days. I wish I had responded differently to Waverly and to Paul this morning but I didn’t. I offered an apology. I moved on.
We spent the rest of the morning hanging out with Grampa, picking up golf balls and eating ice cream cones. We watched the birds. We looked at the sunflowers. We went back to living our simple life, sadness gone, joy present again.